Move on womyn… HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!

This post is all about dating. To be honest, there is no way that I could write about all of my dating experiences in one sitting, which is the time it takes for most of my blog postings. However, I have been contemplating a lot about relationships lately. In particular, I have been contemplating the beginning of relationships. Even more specifically, I have been contemplating the concept of “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

I have dated for quite a few years now and while I’m no Carrie Bradshaw (although, really, aren’t all us women a little bit Carrie Bradshaw?), I have “found” men through various scenarios: fix-ups, through mutual friends, randomly, and, most recently, through online dating. Online dating brings a whole new dimension to the world of dating. My latest “round” of online dating (I am a bit of a come-and-goer with the online dating thing) has been a bit different than in the past. My last relationship was one that I thought was going to be “forever” and I have since decided that I would not “settle” for anything less than finding someone who, in the words of a very wise and dear friend, “appreciates me perfectly.” Her exact phrasing was, “It’s not about finding the perfect man, it’s about finding the man who appreciates you perfectly.” It turns out that appreciation is worth a lot to me, as I have also recently discovered.

As my love life has progressed and I have yet to find a man who even remotely appreciates me perfectly, I have discovered that I am, as mentioned in previous blog posts, QuirkyAlone. In other words, I’d rather be single than be in a relationship that does not fulfill me and encourage me to be my own quirky, awesome self. It seems that as I have become pickier, my pickings have become slimmer. I remember a time in my younger days when the red flags didn’t seem to matter. Now, however, a guy has to work pretty hard to get past my initial lines. It’s called self-protection, I suppose.

This brings me to my most recent re-discovery. In my attempt to figure out the “signals” of the aforementioned person from the online dating site that I have went on a couple of dates with, I have become more intrigued by the concept of “he’s just not that into me.” Despite my wishes for otherwise, it seems as though this person is what I like to call a “write-off.” It’s just not worth the effort and energy to dissect his every word and lack of phone call. In the recent past, I would have held out for a glimmer of hope because “he said he’d call.” In the movie brilliantly entitled “He’s Just not that Into You,” the main character (ie. a woman) makes endless excuses as to why a particular guy wouldn’t call or why he would do what he did – this is called bargaining. It all came down to the fact that “he’s just not that into you.” Even a couple of weeks ago, I claimed that this concept was making me “paranoid” and I couldn’t trust myself or my feelings, when in fact it was an actuality. I think that as more women become aware of this concept, dating will be much different.

The truth is that most women are actually very hopeful and positive when seeing a guy as a potential date. We think that there is potential for every guy that we date. With guys it seems to be very different: either he is or he isn’t into me. Apparently it is very easy to spot: essentially, I will know when a guy is into me. The tricky part is knowing when he isn’t into me. Apparently there are no mixed signals and no confused feelings. In the words of Jack Berger from SATC, “If he’s into you, he’s coming up, meeting or no meeting. He’s booking the next date.” In the words of the girls: “Uhhh… no mixed signals?!?” No mixed signals. Wow… brutal. No mixed signals, to repeat myself once more. Even though I have seen that episode about a hundred times and I’ve thought about it, it is hard to let it sink in. So if you are reading this and this concept is new to you, just sit here for a moment and let it sink in. There are no mixed signals. NONE. ZERO. ZILCH.
….
just letting it sink in…


All right, so now that we know this, we can move on. As I have already mentioned, the dating world will be much different with this concept out there and accessible to women. Women can now, along with having a job that pays ALMOST as much as a man, not wait at the phone for a man to call. I don’t think I’ve ever actually done that, but I have definitely done the ol’ “pick up phone, check for dial tone to make sure that the phone works, and hang up.” I have also spent more energy asking a fellow girlfriend “Why hasn’t he called?” than I am comfortable with. NO MORE! That energy can be put elsewhere. To men reading this: if you are “kinda” into a girl, but aren’t quite sure about it… you can now be sure that she is not waiting for your call, even though that probably didn’t even occur to you.

I have come to the loose conclusion that online dating is a crap-shoot and it’s definitely not for me. I have had a few experiences with it and my experiences have taught me that online dating perpetuates game-playing and shallow, short-term relationships (even though I do have some friends that have had successful online dating stories). The best way to meet a significant other, in my opinion, is still to meet organically in a place that you hang out, through friends, and even randomly at a bar. At least that way you know that he/she gets out of the house!

Good luck out there.

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